Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
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I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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