If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
