I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
