I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
