Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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