rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
