Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
