So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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