There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
