Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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