Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
