what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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