Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She even gives head with a lisp.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
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Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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