Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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