I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
