I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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