I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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