Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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