Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
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She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
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Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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