I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
