The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?