My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
