You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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