We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
