I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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