sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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