it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I believe in your delicious
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
