He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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