We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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