Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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