I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
