escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
