Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
