Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
