I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
