Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
