i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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