i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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