i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
