Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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