What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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