In the future we'll all be gay
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask