who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine