just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?