just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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