even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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