even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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