Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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