Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
