if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
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We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
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i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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