If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
