I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
