god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
