So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
