Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
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