I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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