so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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