I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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