Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
wow bdsm is so cute
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