New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
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We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
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sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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