I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
