70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
