Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
