she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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