well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
